Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Postscript to "Oh, What to do?"

I promised my next post would be positive, but I had to finish the story. While I was writing my last blog post, I had Jackson locked in my office/bedroom with me (he hasn't figured out how to open doors yet). After he got bored with pulling papers off my desk and dumping the file cabinet, he went to my bedroom door and started whining and crying because he wanted me to let him out. I was too tired to deal with it, so I just kept writing my blog post.

After a few minutes, he stopped crying, so I figured Camryn must have opened the door for him and let him come play with her. A few minutes after that it was REALLY quiet, so I started to get worried and decided I should go check on him. I went out of the office, calling for Jackson, but to no avail. I saw that my bedroom door was still shut. My heart skipped a beat as I realized Jackson was "missing" but shouldn't have been able to get out. Then I looked down and saw that he had cried himself to sleep and was fast asleep on the floor next to the door.

I am not a very outwardly emotional person, but I almost started to cry. It was an odd combination of feelings: relief that Jackson was OK, still more relief that he was finally taking a nap so I could have a few minutes of peace, and also a flood of regret and guilt that I had let my little boy cry himself to sleep while I was blogging. Yes, I really was feeling at the end of my rope and yes, I really did just need a few minutes of a break, but I still felt sad. So often as a mother I feel like even when you give your all it is never enough. When I have a moment like that, seeing my perfect little boy peacefully asleep, it makes me wish that I could be just a little bit better and have a little bit more to give.

1 comment:

Greek Goddess said...

I totally feel for you. I can really imagine the emotions that situation would have caused. Don't be too hard on yourself, though, we aren't perfect mothers. And if we were, life would be boring.