Tuesday, July 14, 2009

How To Be Late in 5 Easy Steps... (make that 28)

Why be early or on time when you could be late? I know, you say, "But being late is so hard! It takes real effort and planning! Perpetual tardiness is harder to achieve than you might think- especially with kids." But never fear... with a little bit of careful planning, you too can be fashionably late whenever the need arises! Here are a few easy steps that I recommend for you to follow if you want to join the ranks of those who are too organized to be on time.

(Note: This example given here is purely hypothetical. Any resemblance to any real persons or events is *strictly* coincidental. However, the principles used in this example can be applied to a multitude of situations. While the example here is going to the dentist, it can just as easily be applied to going to church, getting ready for school, etc.)

1. Go to bed too late the night before. To make this easier, try blogging or playing Scramble on facebook to pass the time.
2. Have your toddler wake up at 5:50 am with a wet bed.
3. Clean up the mess, change the toddler (who is now completely awake) and take him back to bed with you to try to get some more rest.
4. Get pummeled, poked and prodded by said toddler for 20 minutes while you vainly attempt to sleep.
5. Give toddler a milk cup to help him get sleepy and go back to bed.
6. Get poked, pulled and prodded for the next hour and a half before giving up on sleeping and just getting up for the day.
7. Put toddler in the high chair. Feed yourself and the toddler breakfast.
8. Doze on the couch while your toddler finishes his breakfasts, chucks raisins across the room and starts to yell, "Ma-ma!"
9. After yet again giving up on sleep, talk to mom on the phone while older kids eat breakfast and play Wii.
10. Go upstairs to take a shower. Check email and play Scramble instead.
11. Look for curtain options online.
12. Actually take shower and give yourself 3 razor cuts, one of them massive.
13. Spend 15 minutes trying to bandage the massive cut and get the bleeding to stop.
14. Yell for kids to turn off the Wii, get dressed and brush their teeth.
15. Get self dressed, put on make-up, pull wet hair into a ponytail.
16. Fill sippy cup with milk and stock diaper bag for toddler.
17. Change toddler's diaper and get him dressed.
18. Call girl to come get hair combed. Discover that she is wearing yesterday's clothes, spots and all. Comb her hair and yell for her to go change-- fast!!
19. Call for the kids to get their shoes on and go out to the car.
20. The toddler's car seat is out of the car and needs to be put back in. Go out to garage to install car seat.
21. The seats to the car are also out from hauling stuff on the weekend. Put the seats back in the car. Then install toddler car seat.
22. Go inside and grab bag of returns to make on the way home from the appointment.
23. Buckle toddler in car seat. Yell at older kids to come get in the car already.
24. Daughter is crying, "I can't find an outfit!" Go upstairs and dig through the unfolded clean clothes pile in the upstairs hallway. Throw clothes at her and run back downstairs.
25. Look for toddler's shoes. No matching pairs are to be found. Give up-- he can wear socks-- and go back to the car.
26. Make sure older kids are buckled and start to back car out of the garage.
27. Remember that you forgot the diaper bag. Stop the car and run back to the house to get it.
28. Get back in car and drive away.

See? It may look complicated, but with a little discipline and planning, you too can be late whenever you want to be.


Kathy said...

Wow- I think I will stick to being 5 minutes early to my appointments.

Greek Goddess said...

Oh I understand. I was going to be 45 minutes early to church so I could practice the hymns, make my photo copies for Sunday school and do the prelude music. I was lucky I got to church and the organ 8 minutes or so before the meeting started.

Lara said...

Story of my life. :)

Better luck next time. (wishful thinking, I know!)

Terresa said...

This is so funny. I think I'm good at all of those steps, too.

PS: Found you via one of my fave blogs: Overstuffed.

Suzie Petunia said...

Finally! Something I am really REALLY good at! But seriously, I've been working on this little problem of mine this week, and so far I've had about a 50% success rate.